Monday, October 03, 2005
I haven't updated this blog in quite awhile.
But my problem isn't that I haven't had anything to say, rather, it's that I have had too much to say.
And don't know how to say it, if I want to say it, if I ought to say it, if I dare say it.
So instead I say nothing, and wait for some clarity of thought that all too often never comes. I wait for those enduring 'truths' that remain valid over time, I wait so long that most of the time, I lose the feeling behind the thought, and the words just die and become empty sounds. Like ghosts.
I have imaginary conversations with everyone I know -- regularly. No, I don't walk around talking to myself or actually see someone who isn't really there standing in front of me, these conversations are all in my mind, and I don't confuse the imaginary with objective reality.
But I think that I sometimes do make the mistake of feeling as if I've said something, when in fact I haven't.
It's cowardly to do this I guess, although the things discussed in these imaginary situations aren't always or even usually confrontational. But there are often too many things about talking to someone face to face that render me inarticulate, or my partner inattentive or unreceptive, and then I tend to sit and listen and think about what I would say, if I could say it, and if I thought anyone would listen.
I'd like to change this because it's stifling and lonely and has proven destructive to every relationship of every sort that I've ever had.
So step one: open my mouth (or in this case wiggle my fingers) and just start talking.
Ok....today I'm very, very sad, I feel defeated and utterly spent. I want nothing more than a some time to sleep and feel secure in the knowledge that when I wake I at least will be no worse off than I was before I went to sleep, and maybe even a little better.
That's all I want at the moment. Later, when I'm not so tired, I'll want much, much more, but for the moment that's all that I ask.
I just want this day to be over.
posted by mrgarza Monday, October 03, 2005
Friday, September 09, 2005
Sometimes the only thing I can think of to say about myself, is that I don't know how I'm feeling.
When things are bothering me, I spend a great deal of time in this sort of emotional limbo, suspended in between feeling clearly bad or clearly good, and not able to pin down just where I am on that continuum.
I'm going to guess that it has to do with my childhood, and the various ways I invented to avoid having to actually live in the moment and feel what I was feeling in real time.
Nowadays though - so far away from the original circumstances that necessitated this mechanism -- the whole machine seems to be running under it's own steam, and I don't really have any control over it.
So I don't actually know what it's censoring or blocking out, or why.
Only that it does so, and that I pay a price in shaky and even sometimes lost emotional connections with people who require a sense of how I'm doing, in order to understand how we're doing together.
But right now I just feel incredibly weary, and the effort of trying to think about how to describe it all seems too much to bear.
So this is all I have to say at the moment.
posted by mrgarza Friday, September 09, 2005
Thursday, August 25, 2005
I read something interesting the other day which has been bumping around in the back of my mind for awhile.
In the course of some Internet 'wandering' (I'm really tired of the word 'surfing' ), I ran an across a post by a young(ish) man who was blogging about the fact that he wasn't sure how to approach women that he was attracted to. He described himself as a 'nice guy' who just wanted a genuine relationship, and most definitely not someone who was just out for a one-night-stand.
In his experience though, whenever he'd try to initiate a conversation with someone new, it seemed to him that the women in question would react so defensively and/or suspiciously, that it made him feel guilty and unwelcome, and it took the wind out of his sails and made it difficult for him to pursue the matter much beyond a few general opening remarks.
Amongst other things, he was soliciting comments about how to meet one of these girls that he was attracted to without being intrusive, or making her feel like he was just trying to pick her up.
As I am an old married man now (see previous entry), the subject of mating and dating is only of marginal intellectual interest to me, and I wasn't moved to leave a comment or even think too much about it at the time.
Yet the question hasn't entirely faded away, so I thought I'd just drag it out for a minute or two and take a look at it to see why it's still bothering me.
And I think I understand some of what he's not taking into account.
The first problem seems to me to be, that it really doesn't matter what your ultimate intentions are, or how good your opening line is, because when you approach someone you don't know, you are starting from the exact same point as any and every other stranger, and are therefore subject to the same questions: who are you? why are you talking to me? what do you want? can I trust you?
Ignore that fact and leave those questions unanswered, and they just hang around like unwanted guests at a party that nobody wants to talk to, but who just won't take the hint and go away.
Sooner or later you have to confront them and the longer you wait, the more awkward it's going to be.
The second point is again that it doesn't really matter what your ultimate intention is, because the thing that moved you to approach this person in the first place is the way they look.
So no matter how deep you think you are, by going up to someone that you think is attractive and trying to initiate a conversation in hopes of getting to know them, you are betraying a certain amount of superficiality.
Leaving aside how much or how little you can really tell about someone from the way they look -- because judging what type of person someone is by the way they look is a very specific skill and just because it can be done, it doesn't necessarily mean that everyone is going to be able to do it -- what you're doing and more importantly, what she knows you're doing, is approaching her because you think she's good looking.
And that's not really dissimilar to what they guy with the one-night-stand in mind is doing.
His end goal may differ radically, but his selection process is exactly the same.
So ultimately my point is that if you approach strangers based on how attractive they are -- regardless of where you hope that meeting will lead -- you are doing something that by it's very nature tends to make people suspicious. And which many women find downright insulting because they are tired of being judged in that way.
First impressions do count after all.
posted by mrgarza Thursday, August 25, 2005
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
I do have something I want to talk about here -- however witless and cloth-headed I may be feeling right now -- and that is the fact that today -- August 23rd -- is my wedding anniversary.
My wife and I were married four years ago today, in a little old church just outside of River Falls Wisconsin.
The room was dim, dusty and breathlessly hot, yet it's never been less important to me where I was, or more important why I was there.
To say that this event was profoundly life altering is to get it right, yet still drastically understate the point, because it wasn't like simply taking a left-hand turn instead of your usual right going down lifes road, it was like jumping into a passing airplane and then soaring off into the clouds.
Everything changed, and I'm still trying to understand just how much.
Too often, I think, people look at marriage in terms of what you have to give up in order to fulfill the commitment -- a bit like weighing your decision to take a trip around the world only in terms of what you'll be able to fit into your luggage -- but I have gained more than I knew to hope for, and if I lost anything of value, I've yet to miss it.
But I feel a little silly making so much out of that one afternoon -- however poignant and memorable it may have been -- because a wedding is only a symbolic gesture, and turning 'me' into 'we' isn't something you accomplish simply by saying the words 'I do', it's just the first step of an evolutionary process that continues on and on.
So I suppose that what we're really celebrating here is the moment that we officially recognized the promise that begin when our eyes first met, and which will continue until the day we die.
I love you Genevieve. Thank you for being you, and thank you for being a part of my life.
posted by mrgarza Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Well, I suppose it's poetic justice that I'd start a blog on a day when I didn't feel like I had anything to say.
Maybe I'm just too tired.
When I search for words, they're easy enough to find of course -- I have more of those than I could ever possibly use -- but putting them together seems to require a bit more effort than I'm willing to expend at the moment.
So...inauspicious as it is, this is my first entry.
posted by mrgarza Tuesday, August 23, 2005